Try this Yoda...

"I Arrive. I Order. I Crunch. I Move On." (Excerpt from my Autobiography "Gary Nickels: Zen Master of Taco Eating") Happy Taco Tuesday!
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Happy Taco Tuesday!

The Statue of Liberty will be under going an "Extreme Make Over". Instead of holding up a torch, she will now be seen eating a 45 foot taco.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Now this is love!

Greater love hath no man than to change a diaper chock full of toxic waste off the tush of his infant grandson.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

If I only had one...

Words in my infomercial: "In addition to my brilliance, I'll throw in some of my awesomeness for free! (Just pay extra Shipping & Handling)"
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Think about this...

I wonder what its like to play yourself in a movie?
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Talk about going in circles...

In the same spirit a dog has when he chases his own tail, I've decided to follow myself on Twitter!
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Are memories precious?

When I was a kid, my Mom told my Dad to "Please take out the Trash". Next I knew I was asleep inside a trash bag out in the alley!
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Don't hurt yourself over this...

There are certain thins in life you should never think about. Because if you do, it will ruin the magic. Like: "What kind of meat is Spam?"
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Ahhh youth!

There are days where I just want to act like a 3 year old. Not because I enjoy being immature but because I can only afford kid meals at McDonald's.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Take that Batman!

Not only did I not blink when I looked into the abyss, but I also threw in a quarter and wished for more bacon.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

It speaks!

While I do not believe in the power of reading somebody's palm. But, I just read my own palm & it said "Wash me you Moron, I'm dirty!"
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

I shouldn't think so much...

Reality...I just don't get it.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

I finally get it...

After numerous attempts, I have come to the conclusion that I should leave wishing to the professionals.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Very disappointing...

Well its 6:22 pm. It didn't happen so I guess I'll be taking out the trash after all.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

You asked!

People keep asking me what do I do for a living. I always reply with a French accent: "Do? What is this 'Do' you speak of? Be gone peasant!"
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Now you know...

I am the reason people look both ways when crossing the street.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

What are you looking at?

I got a lot of strange looks from people today. Thereby proving that I'm still at the top of my game.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Happy Birthday Pebbles!

12 years ago today, my granddaughter "Pebbles" was born. Will somebody please give the name of the person who gave her permission to grow up?
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

This is how I pass the time...

Sitting in the hospital pharmacy, looking at the people waiting for their meds and I'm playing the mental game of "Spot The Sociopath".
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Things I Hate #37:

I hate it when my dog has morning breath.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

An idea whose time has come...

Say what you will about them, but I think Hermits have the right idea.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Sanity?

I lost my sanity so long ago that I can't even find it using a GPS.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

God is so smart!

Thank God we are not made out of Legos! Because angry children would take their parents apart while they were sleeping.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

How hard does it have to be?

If life was as easy as following the instructions on how to warm up frozen lasagna, we wouldn't be in the mess we are in today.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Oscar Meyer?

When you start giving your lunch meat a first and last name, then its time to up the dose of your "medication".
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Blah!

Right now I'm trying to get up enough energy to be lethargic.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

This nutritional fact...

Chocolate. Its just not for breakfast anymore.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

How's your Monday going?

You know your Monday is going to be bad when you look over at your 1st cup of coffee of the day & you see two flies in using it as a Jacuzzi.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Help me!

The United States has a new way they get information from terrorists. Water Boarding has been replaced by watching "The Cleveland Show".
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

And you...?

I don't watch Jackie Chan movies for the dialogue.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Need Directions?

If your looking for love in all the wrong places it just goes to show that you are doing it all wrong.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Do you know why...?

I have no idea why I'm sending out random messages like this, but I'm having fun doing it.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Be careful what you yell...

Last time someone yelled at to "Make A Hole!" I ended up going to Sweden, playing with their particle collider. & making Black Holes.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

I have a confession to make...

I am living proof that it is scientifically possible to be a bad influence to one's self.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Oops!

I love how people think. No wait...that was the animal world...my bad!
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Just go with it...

Ba-da Bing...Ba-da Boom! I know it doesn't make sense, but it was fun to put out to the world.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

I'm so easy...

I'm a man of simple pleasures: Bacon, Tacos Books & Coffee.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

He Did it!

Today was the day I got to see my son graduate from college. Talk about having a "Proud Dad" moment...this was it.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

This is makes sense...

There is one reason and one reason only why Extraterrestrial life would ever travel billions of miles to come to Earth: Bacon!
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Talk About Talent...

People keep looking at me like I'm strange or something...they're right, I'm both!
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

I found it!

Its nice to find that missing piece of pizza at 5:00 in the morning.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Rest fot my enemies:

I'd like to watch some people go to bed in a field of lava.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

A career choice...

If you do what I do for as long as I did you'll wonder why you didn't started sooner.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

What a world...!

Did you know that Miss Piggy actually won the Miss Bacon pageant before she made it big with The Muppets?
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Its Payback Time!!!

4 Grandkids, 2 Swords, 5 Hair Clips, 1 Espresso Machine and a 64 Pack of Permanent Markers. Who says you can't get even with your children?
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961

Yawn...

Sleep. The one thing you need the most after you wake up.
Gary Nickels
Writer, Speaker and Safely Observing the World Since 1961